"Friends", "Family", and Cutting Ties

Over the past few months, I’ve gone through a really rough patch in my life. I’ve lost two consecutive jobs, battled financial problems, dealt with family issues, was forced to live on the street for a period of time, which led to it being damn near impossible to find new employment, and things sort of just spiraled downhill from there. I am a firm believer that there is always a silver lining to any situation, and that when it rains, it pours on the just and un-just alike. All of these hardships have caused me to have more and more reflection on the people that I have called my friends and family for my entire life. These people that I helped in their time(s) of need, yet when I found myself in a similar situation, no one chose to reciprocate those actions on myself. I say all that to reflect on what truly defines a friend? What truly defines a family?


Of course, every person on Earth is given a biological mother and father. This is a necessity in order for the human species to reproduce. That being said, there are several instances where the biological parents of a child are simply not in that child’s life, whether it be a tragic accident, where children were lucky enough to live with an alternate primary care-giver, or they became orphans. As I realize accidents do happen, and any time a parent or parents are taken away from a child, it is tragic, and no more stressful than if a child was voluntarily given up for adoption. However, the purpose of this blog is more to explain how I dealt with friends and family giving up on me when I hit a rough patch in my life, and how I was able to realize that your friends and family are those who care about you, and stand by you through thick and thin, regardless of your blood-relation to them. I want to shed as much light on how I made it through this tough decision / process so that I may be able to help anyone who is going through something similar. Even if just one person is touched by this blog entry, then it was worth it.


Let’s start with family, which to me was the hardest to cope with. For starters, I’ve always had some sort of unexplainable passion to impress my parents; make them proud. Yet, as time went on, I realized that through accomplishment after accomplishment, they were never satisfied, and always told me I should’ve done better. For example, if I achieved a B grade in a class in high school, they would ask why it wasn’t an A. Now, to an extent, this is a motivational tool. However, it quickly crossed over from being a motivational tool to giving me the impression that no matter what I did, it would never be good enough for them, until that developed into realizing that every single time I spoke to my parents, I felt worse afterwards than I had before. In my opinion, your family should be the first people you seek out for advice, or support. Unfortunately, my family members after the first people to offer criticism and judgment. So, the next question is, do I need a break from my family, or do I need to cut ties with them completely. This is a tough question. Every case is different, but you need to decide if your parents make you feel that badly about yourself, would some time off from them be the best scenario, or have things gotten so out of control that you cannot facilitate communication with them any longer. In my case, I took a few breaks from them, and then attempted to re-kindle the relationship, each time hoping that things would change for the better. Each time I was disappointed; nothing had changed. At this point, you need to decide if you want to simply deal with the ridicule and judgment because they are your parents, and you only get one mother and one father, or if you want to cut them out of your life completely. The latter is a much more difficult decision, but sometimes it is simply the best action you can take if you want to truly move forward in life and maximize your potential.


Next, there are “friends”. To me, this is a much simpler situation than the tough decisions that accompany deciding whether or not to speak to your family members ever again. A friend is someone who is there for you, and even on your worst day, can pick you back up, and be there for you. As such, you should do the same for that friend. When the situation turns into your ability to overlook your “friend’s” lack of commitment or willingness to do the same for you as you would for them, then it is quite easy. He/she is not your friend anymore. Now, whether or not you want to specifically tell that person that you want to cut ties with them, and wish them the best in their future endeavors is up to you. The approach I take is to simply stop reaching out to them. The “communication door” swings both ways, and if you stop contacting this “non-friend”, the odds are that they will not contact you either, and then the friendship can slowly terminate over time without any confrontation, or anyone’s “feelings” getting hurt. This approach is somewhat passive-aggressive, but I find that if you’re ready to cut a “non-friend” out of your life, you already do not care enough to get upset and start a confrontation over the situation, so why not let it end amicably and without notice.


None of this should be taken as scripture, or fact. There is no right or wrong way to make these decisions, or the methods on how to implement them. I just know that if I had been able to read someone else’s opinions about what I was going through recently in both of these situations, it might have made it easier on me to know that this happens to other people, that you are not the only one in the world with family or friend troubles, and that you do have the strength to make a tough decision that will ultimately make you a better and stronger person.